Freshman year of high school was filled with candy and passed notes.

Every break between class, walking to our next class we’d munch on sweet lollipops sold by the student council. All the different flavors too, and then the swapping for our desired flavors. I always felt so lucky to be considered your best friend, knowing your bright personality and your intelligence. You walked next to me, by my left side. Always looked at me as your equal. Your confidence was contagious though. You gave me that part of myself, after walking next to you for four years. You’re right, though. The four years weren’t enough for us, like you wrote in my senior yearbook. There was going to be much more. And now the four years are all there is, all there ever will be.

I only wish… I could have been a friend to you like you were to me. My fear was the only thing getting in the way. Didn’t even think it would have that much of a consequence. I can never forget what I didn’t do for you. I’m so so so sorry.. I don’t deserve anything good anymore.


I want to go on an adventure.

Run around, chase butterflies. Or chase fleeting thoughts as they rise and we give in to our ideas that come and go. Do all the little things that makes life fun to live again. Being in Italy was wonderful, and I miss Europe and traveling deeply in my heart. As soon as I save up enough, I’m heading off towards an unknown destination without a look back. This time I don’t think I’m coming back home. There is nothing here.

Shedding a second skin

Since I got back from Hawaii my skin has literally been peeling all over the place, from every spot imaginable. It’s been a couple weeks but I still find flakes of skin on my bed when I wake up. Slightly gross, I know. Literally AND metaphorically, I have new skin now.  The new skin is still showing itself out, past the old, peeling skin but I think I like this new layer of Emily. Still gotta walk a mile in this new skin, figuratively speaking (or typing.)

It was around this time when Min Su would be making his way home, from the Chongjin Primary School No. 2, Hye Tae knew that it was just after the farmers donned their hats and walked home from the fields north of their small village. She couldn’t tell Chol Tae, despite him being her twin brother and  her closest friend, he would only make fun of her for liking Min Su. She didn’t even know if she liked him, she only enjoyed seeing him. His face was always up to the sky while he walked along the river to his residence, two cottages down from where Hye Tae lived. Once or twice she had seen him trip, getting up and looking for anyone who saw. Since she hid in the tree front of their cottage, Min Su never knew Hye Tae had seen him fall, with his face up to the sky. Appa had told her and Chol Tae that people who are to be watched avoid more eye contact, so she wondered if it made Min Su someone to be watched. But it was one of the many things one couldn’t even bring up without making someone disappear. She still didn’t understand why, but she understood enough that it was the reason why some families disappeared without a chance to say goodbye. Hye Tae could only watch Min Su and wonder why he looked to the sky, but it was perfectly fine. She liked seeing him around.

Too early to be this dark

The voices return, and my chest is still rising. Why are they returning? It’s too early tonight. A brief glance at the alarm clock tells me it’s only 3 a.m. Too early for them, but not on this night, I suppose. They swirl around so I shut my eyes, effectively silencing the voices that rise and fall. They don’t belong in this world, but when its dark all the darkness is where it belongs so nothing holds them back in this blackness. I briefly wonder where they go when there’s no darkness for them to freely roam through. A long time ago as a child I learned that if you stare at the darkness, the darkness will only become stronger until it consumes your insides. Look away from the darkness and their deciptions. Still, the voices rise, pawing at the covers I hide under. They don’t even make sense, how they exist in this world, they must not be real. Still, I’m not capable of understanding everything in this world and there is no question they currently exist in the darkness that surrounds us. We only have to know how to hear, see the voices that oscillate around us. Finally, I gain the courage to uncover myself, exposing myself to the unreal, and reach out for tbe lamp. With the jump of light from the single blub, the darkness disappears, along with the voices.


By now I already know titles are not my forte. It feels strange to be back in the house I grew up in, especially all that has taken place the past couple years. I can tell right away I’m not the same person. Sometimes it makes me sad but at the same time it just means there are more new things to discover. Still, I get confused, tensely balanced on the top of a fence, going back and forth between starting over and trying to return to who I was. This is one of the moments in life where once you decide something, there’s no going back. I’m staying in this life, and I’m going to make the best of it. We don’t change, only external factors change us and it is up to us whether we lay down or rise and fight. Tomorrow I’m sitting my arse down and writing a story, even if it kills me.